Driving past a highway construction site, I saw a sign that read, Safety First. I peevishly asked myself why? Why can’t lunch be first and Safety second? Why does Safety always get to be first? He’s already captain of the football team and goes out with the best-looking girl in school. Why not give someone else a chance to be first?  I’m friggin’ sick and tired of safety always getting to be first! It’s B.S. man!

Driving past a highway construction site, I saw a sign that read, Safety First. I peevishly asked myself why? Why can’t lunch be first and Safety second? Why does Safety always get to be first? He’s already captain of the football team and goes out with the best-looking girl in school. Why not give someone else a chance to be first?  I’m friggin’ sick and tired of safety always getting to be first! It’s B.S. man!

Have you ever asked yourself how certain adjectives got attached to certain holidays? 

Take for example New Year’s greetings. Why is it necessary for the New Year to always be Happy? Why is it necessary for Christmas to always be Merry? Why can’t Christmas be happy and the New Year be merry? For that matter, why does Christmas or the New Year have to be in good spirits at all? Can’t they have an off year? Can’t Christmas be depressing and the New Year be bitter?

Why do we need an adjective at all come to think of it? What if I am neutral or indifferent to the status of your upcoming New Year? Can’t I just say, “New Year” and be done with it? When the whisky-smelling Santa Claus at the entrance of the grocery store screams “Merry Christmas” in my face, can’t I just respond back “Christmas” as a counter to his facade of merriment?

How about a “I really don’t give a rats a**” adjective? Is that too harsh? Okay, then how about just saying have a “Pain-free” Holiday? That seems more appropriate than happy anyway. I mean, who is ever truly happy over the holidays? Come to think of it, who has ever achieved true happy status in life? Is that even possible? Maybe in Oz.

Look, most holiday greetings are half-hearted at best. Holiday cheer is akin to greetings blackmail. We are forced to respond to someone else's caffeine-induced happy trip. When we respond to these happy elves, we respond back in kind because we are scared! Yes, scared! No one wishes to be ostracized and labeled as that depressing-to-be-around Scrooge.

Have you ever asked yourself how certain adjectives got attached to certain holidays? 

Take for example New Year’s greetings. Why is it necessary for the New Year to always be Happy? Why is it necessary for Christmas to always be Merry? Why can’t Christmas be happy and the New Year be merry? For that matter, why does Christmas or the New Year have to be in good spirits at all? Can’t they have an off year? Can’t Christmas be depressing and the New Year be bitter?

Why do we need an adjective at all come to think of it? What if I am neutral or indifferent to the status of your upcoming New Year? Can’t I just say, “New Year” and be done with it? When the whisky-smelling Santa Claus at the entrance of the grocery store screams “Merry Christmas” in my face, can’t I just respond back “Christmas” as a counter to his facade of merriment?

How about a “I really don’t give a rats a**” adjective? Is that too harsh? Okay, then how about just saying have a “Pain-free” Holiday? That seems more appropriate than happy anyway. I mean, who is ever truly happy over the holidays? Come to think of it, who has ever achieved true happy status in life? Is that even possible? Maybe in Oz.

Look, most holiday greetings are half-hearted at best. Holiday cheer is akin to greetings blackmail. We are forced to respond to someone else's caffeine-induced happy trip. When we respond to these happy elves, we respond back in kind because we are scared! Yes, scared! No one wishes to be ostracized and labeled as that depressing-to-be-around Scrooge.