Lazarus – Part II

Backdrop – It’s the year 33 A.D. Living conditions are pretty shitty at best. No dentistry, no plumbing, no toilet paper. Hemorrhoids gone mad from riding a burro 20 miles to the nearest town, etc. All in all, it’s pretty tough living conditions.

Fade into:

A small, sparsely furnished bedroom where a lone figure (Lazarus of Bethany) lays sleeping atop a bed of hay.

As if startled, Lazarus’ head suddenly pops up. Lazarus scans his surroundings momentarily disoriented, then reconciles that he was having a bad dream and promptly plops his head back down on the sack of onions he is using as a pillow. After several seconds, Lazarus’ attempts to fall back asleep is interrupted by a woman screaming:

Lazarus! Lazarus! Get up! The goat is in the vegetable garden again! Get your f****** goat out of my garden!

Lazarus slothfully lifts his body upright to sit on the edge of the bed. With his hair uncombed, sticking out in all directions, Lazarus looks like crap and embodies the age of a man beat down by a long, hard life. As he massages his temples, he mumbles out, “I can’t take this shit no more!”

As if struck by lightning, Lazarus’ whole body stiffens like a wooden plank, he clutches his heart, gasps, and keels over dead! Just like that, he is no longer on Planet Earth; his pain is over.

 Cut to:  Lazarus’ eyes popping wide open.

The camera pulls back to reveal his muscular body having been restored to perfect god creation, laying atop silk sheets in a large comfortable king size waterbed.

Lazarus springs out of bed like Nadia Comaneci prancing on a balance beam. Youthfully vibrant, but puzzled, he walks into an alternate room expecting to pee into a bucket, but instead of a bucket he finds what he will later learn is known as “indoor plumbing”.

He’s both perplexed and fascinated by the mysterious contraption that sucks water down a hole.

Scene 2 – Lazarus, after playing with gadgets for the better part of the morning, i.e. toilet flush, light switches, drawers, etc., takes something called an elevator down to the “brunch bar” where they are serving lobster tails and filet-mignon.

Lazarus doesn’t want to be greedy, but he is, and piles his plate. But it’s okay, Lazarus thinks, the sign says, “All You Can Eat!”

Scene 3 – Several days later. Laz, as he is secretly called by the hotel staff because of his extremely generous tips, is really getting into the swing of things at the plush Hotel Heaven.

He’s having the time of his life, (although he is still having difficulty learning about the cellphone and all its apps. Which he leaves behind as he heads for the pool.)

I offer now, a glimpse into that phone call that no one ever talks about… But before I do, please pause and bask in the ambiance of a Tahiti style resort – pure luxury with deeply soothing peaceful surroundings…

Close your eyes and picture if you will…

Scene 4 – Lazarus is poolside, chillin’, laid out on a lawn chair, his muscular body is George Hamilton dark copper. He’s flipping through the latest issue of Heavenly’s Quarterly, and every few seconds he leans over to sip margarita through a swirly straw.

Enter a bellhop boy into the picture, speed walking towards him.

Bellhop Boy – “Ah, Mr. Lazarus, sir?”

 Lazarus – (Big “I’m in friggin’ heaven” grin) “Johnny my boy, you look flushed. Come, take a load off and tell me what’s up.”

(Lazarus doesn’t wait for a response, instead he leans over and takes a big sip from his margarita.)

Bellhop Boy– “Mr. Lazarus, you have a long-distance phone call-from a… ah, a Mr. Christ. He says it’s urgent.”

Lazarus (Spews the margarita out of his mouth.)

Bellhop Boy– “You okay Mr. Lazarus? You want me to tell Him you can’t take the call? That you’re in the bathroom or something?”

Lazarus – (Flustered) “No, no. Thanks Johnny – I left my cell phone upstairs. Put Him through to the guest phone. I gotta take this one.”

(Lazarus slips Johnny a $20-dollar bill. Johnny scampers off.)

Lazarus – (Stands up, softly bemoans “Shit!” to himself, puts on a bathrobe, and walks over to a courtesy phone).

Before picking up the receiver he gives a quick sign of the cross, takes a deep breath, lets it out, and picks up the phone. Like a switch, his demeanor flips.

 Lazarus – “Jesus! Buddy, waddup man! I was just getting ready to call you. I’ll have Your money by next Friday, I swear, I just need a little more time. Oh! You’re not calling about that! Phew! That’s a load off.  I mean, the last time I didn’t pay …. yes Jesus I’ll shut up and listen for a minute.”

Lazarus remains silent as Jesus, talking on the other end, explains that He needs Lazarus to pack up a few things because Lazarus is needed back on Earth. This way, Jesus can prove He is indeed the Son of God by doing the impossible and bringing back the dead.

Cut to:

Jesus: (On the phone) “Hello? Lazarus are you there? Hello? HELLO!”

* https://www.milesteves.com/gallery/v/ILLUSTRATION/Passion+of+the+christ/Passion-Jesus+phone+home.jpg.html

Cut to:

(Lazarus speeding out of Hotel Heaven’s parking lot. )

Now before I’m tagged with the “blasphemous” label, a ridiculer of religion and God – chill. I can understand that some readers would be upset with my satirical interpretation and embellishment of this tale; those who believe in Jesus & Christianity, maybe even those who don’t.

Satire set aside, if indeed things in this story happened as they have been retold throughout history, then I’m sure Lazarus, after having died, would have responded with, “Hell yeah! Whatever you need Jesus! I’m on my way!” No matter how good Hotel Heaven’s margaritas are, I would respond that way too!

Written by: T.K.

Chief Editor: Jade L.

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