Jesus the Stand-Up Comic

 My Own Personal Jesus

Most everyone has their own deity, I would assume, who they feel comfortable calling upon in navigating through the crazy maze of human existence. Me personally, as I have stated in other writings, define myself as spiritual, i.e… moralistically caring. I don’t adhere to anyone’s particular denomination as being the final gospel on what God is, or who God isn’t. I think God is a mystery for the purpose of God’s master plan.

Native Americans, specifically the Sioux, called the great spirit in the sky, Wakan Tanka. Wakan Tanka means “all that is holy and mysterious.”¹  Sounds good to me, because they pretty much nailed the mystery part.

I do believe in Jesus. I just don’t know if the Jesus I believe in is the same Jesus that others believe in. I see Jesus as being more like a warm-hearted older brother-type. I’m pretty sure my version is not the same as the hardliners, many of whom refuse to accept any other deity interpretation, or possibility. Me, I flat out don’t know who God is. I never met him. I don’t know why I believe in Jesus, I just came to trust the embodiment of what His spirit is, or means to me. I don’t judge the hardliners; they can have their Jesus; I have mine.

People let me tell you about my best friend* (who sings that?)… I imagine Him as an ordinary Joe – laid back, with a great sense of humor. The type of person who can relate to anyone of any gender or race – so cool in being, so cool to hang with, you can insert Him into any life situation; car mechanic, grocery clerk, nurse, etc., and He’ll fit right in, plus, he gets the humor.

Let’s try it. For this story, I will use the caucasion version of Jesus. Some feel Jesus was racially kidnapped as depicted in art & literature, which they do have a valid point, but it is my opinion that Jesus is, or can be multi-racial. Call God what you will, you can’t call him a racist.

Jesus – The Stand Up Comic

Fade in: a small packed comedy club – claps and laughs fade. Enter the stage, the Master of Ceremonies.

MC – “I would like to introduce you to our next comic. A Man you all will come to love just as I have. A Man with many talents – some call Him the Son of God. I simply call Him, one cool dude! Ladies and Gentlemen, the one, the only, Jeeeeeesus Chriiiiiist!”

Enter Jesus: (wearing blue jeans, a white t-shirt, and Chuck Taylor tennis shoes). Jesus jogs onto the stage, shakes the MC’s hand, grabs the microphone stand, adjusts it and begins His routine.

 JESUS – “Boise, Idaho! Hello, hello, hello! So good to be here; home of the potato! You all must be so proud? Everyday you wake up in this great place and say to yourself, “Damn it, I am known for potatoes, yes! Hey it could be worse – would you have preferred to be known for cabbage? Be proud I say.

 As some of you might know, my name is Jesus Christ, but you can call me J.C. I am from Nazareth – the town, not the band. And yes, I do get stoners coming up to me asking (Jesus impersonating a stoner), “Hey man weren’t you in the band Nazareth?”, for which I’d correct them and say “I am from Nazareth, not in Nazareth. And please, stop smoking so much pot!” (crowd laughter). I do love the band Nazareth though! (Jesus starts singing)… “Looooove hurts! Truly a great song!”

 If you have never been to Nazareth, it is in a little corner of the world that is the Middle East. What I don’t get is; what is all the fighting about over this particular piece of real estate? Some people call it the Promised Land but I tell you what, I’ve been to Tahiti and brother, if you want a Promised Land, that makes more sense to me. I mean, Jesus, you can surf there, for Christ sake! (crowd laughter). No doubt. I’d take a place in the South Pacific any day.

Anyway, let’s see… about myself. I turn water into wine, I bring back the dead, Lazarus is still pissed, and I was crucified. I have holes in my palms to prove it. Look, I know it might sound like I’m bragging, however, not everyone is so impressed with me. Apparently being the Son of God doesn’t qualify you to work at Home Depot. I tried to get a job there once, and the manager said maybe I would have better luck applying for a job at a mortuary. Funny guy! I wanted to say “To hell with you!” but I was afraid my Father would hear me and take it literally.

It’s not easy being the Son of God, I tell you. No one wants to hire me because my hair is too long or something. I don’t know. I did manage to get a job as a performer for children’s birthday parties. I would use the word clown but it doesn’t dignify my abilities. No offense to clowns. Any clowns in the audience? You sir, in the front row, you look like a clown in that outfit you are wearing. Got news for ya, the 70’s are over. Just kidding sir, you look good in those Bermuda shorts (Jesus lifts an eyebrow to the crowd)… channeling my inner Rodney Dangerfield there.

All joking aside, that job turned out to be a bust too. The kids got a little freaked out when I did the in & out finger through the hole in my palm trick. The parents wound up having to call in the paramedics. … little shits cost me my job.

From there I went on to be a rodeo performer. However, that didn’t go very well either. Here I am running around trying to keep myself from getting killed, I turn and this bull is heading straight for me – so I put out my hands to brace for impact, like this – (Jesus puts up His palms) and the damn bull’s horns go right through the holes in my palms and I was stuck! That bull tossed me around like a rag doll for half an hour before they had to put it down.

I’m J.C. You’ve been a great audience, thank you!

Chief Editor: Jade L.

References:

1: McKenzie, Eleanor. “Religious Beliefs & Ceremonies of the Sioux Tribe.” Synonym, 5 June 2020, classroom.synonym.com/religious-beliefs-ceremonies-sioux-tribe-7671.html.

*Best Friend – By Harry Nilsson

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