Don be wan Asshole

One lazy Sundeh mawnin, mi did a drive to East Potomac Golf course ina Washington D.C., an a look farwud to a relaxing day playing golf wid mi bredda dem. Mi did kinda content, mi mind at ease, when me buck up pan wan bicycle man riding in di middle a di road. Wol heap a bike rider in a dat particula area deh because di golf course surrounded by a popular park. Dou it goes without saying, dem bicycle man here always a get ina di way of cars, riding down di road as if dem own it, which technical, by di speed law and gross weight-age, dem nuh own noting. Despite all a dat pettiness, mi nuh have noting gainst bicycle riders.

Suh me a drive and a falla dis guy, who a peddle at about 5mph. Baiting my time, at one point mi see seh enough room deh deh fi mi fi pass. Outa courtesy, mi honk mi horn just fi mek di bike man know seh mi deh pan him lef side a pass. Apparently, mi commit a mortal sin ina di bike rider’s handbook of “Weh fi Do and Weh nuh fi Do”. To my puzzlement, the bike man peddle as fast as him cuda peddle, and pass me like Lance Armstrong at the Tour de France.

As mi a turn ina di club parking lot, di bike man whip him bike roun ina di middle a di road and come off a him bike- forcing me fi stop my car. Now at dah point deh, mi more shock dan fraid, so me roll down mi window fi see what dis guy’s problem is.

Dis a how di dialogue between di two a wi go:

Biker (approaching me pan di driver side): “Yuh hunk yuh horn! Yuh neva eva suppose to hunk yuh horn! Yuh frighten di life outa mi!

Me (calm): “Mi just did a be courteous man. Mi did a mek yuh know seh mi did a pass.

Biker (still a shout): “Yuh nuh do dat! Yuh nuh hunk yuh horn!”

Me (spider senses tingling, and a warn mi a danger): “Come off a mi case. Mi just did a be nice an a try mek yuh know I was dere.”

Biker: “Yeh? Well if dat a your way of being nice, next time just kick mi ina mi balls den!”

Me (afta me realize seh mi ina di presence of absurdity): “Alright den! Next time mi will kick yuh ina di balls!”

Biker (loses it): “Mi will f****ing kill yuh enuh!”

Me (knee-jerk reaction): “Guh f*** yuhself!”

 Dis confrontation actually happen verbatim. Afta dat, him peddle off and lef me a shake mi head in disbelief at the nerve of someone, fi be suh pathetically confrontational ova noting; let alone threaten fi kill mi. Maybe me cuda handle di situation a likkle betta and wol back from di sarcasm. Howeva, when yuh get confronted wid aggression out a di blue, it hard fi know weh yuh really a face. Mi nuh really brave per se and mi nuh really like di conflict, but pan dah day deh, mi did proud a miself for keeping mi kool.

Mi ponder since den, what if di situation did escalate to a point where mi did get mi ass kicked, over noting? Or suppose me did grab a golf club fi defen miself and accidentally land wan nine-iron shot weh tek out di man, only fi spen di next 20 years in a jail fi 2^nd degree manslaughter. Over wah? Ova noting!

Mi point is, di worl is a strange an dangerous place weh yuh always afi be on-guard – always, even when yah guh out fi golf. It mus be ten times worse fi women, when yuh add di burden of di male libido ina di equation. So, mi a request one A.F.D – Asshole Free Day, weh fi be authorized by Congress and sign off by di president every June; my B-day month of course.

Di truth is, shit like weh happen dat Sunday neva aguh end ina our lifetime. Nuh matta how gentle yuh want be, no matta how much yuh try fi alleviate confrontation, “asshole” is a generic disposition weh wreak havoc round di worl – an it a just one more ting God need fi fix ina Him creation.

So many times, we find wiself dragged ina conflict because a somebody else’s powa trip and dem want act like dem bigga and betta dan ada people. And yuh can’t do noting bout it other dan; 1) tek it … or … 2) fight back. Trying fi reason wid di unreasonable jus nuh add up. Mi might overuse di word asshole, or maybe mi nuh use it enough. But di point is, yuh day can go from okay, to sheg up pretty fast because some jackass want bad yuh up.

Yuh cyaan escape from di madness a life. Yuh almost afi be crazy yuhself in orda fi counteract the madness roun yuh; which at any moment can jus show up, like a Jack Nicholson in a di movie “The Shining”, when him poke him head ina di mash up bathroom door madly, “Si Johnny yah!”

Suh di question me try fi ansa in dis website is twofold; how we, as a human race, rationalize a gentle lovin God, when man a di total opposite? How wi exist in di worl a rational, nice human, wid so much competition an conflict, both weh internal and external? Fi all a di greatness weh life is, and fi all a di greatness dat woman and man do, di fact is, di worl is a strange place brah brah, dat seem like it a get stranja by di day! (See Twitter).

Humans, outa necessity, get drive by greed. Fi be less polite, dere is jus way too much assholes ina di worl.

Dis message was brought to you by Assholes Anonymous – don confuse it wid Alcoholics Anonymous (dou di two potentially guh hand-in-hand).

Written by: T.K.

Chief Editor: Jade L.

Translation: Ray R.

*Picture Credit – MeMe

Share This Article