Man Eating

When people hear the word “eating”, the image of civility is usually the first to be conjured up. However, eating is actually broken into categories. The first category is what I refer to as habit eating. It is the daily regimen of eating up to 2000 calories of food per day, as established by the original design. It contains two sub-categories; informal and formal habit eating.

Informal habit eating is with friends and family where people retain certain societal formalities such as, “Please pass the salt.” However, informal habit eaters are not so constricted by peer pressure that they can’t accidentally burp without being stared upon with glares of contempt.

In formal habit eating, people are much more constricted in all aspects of propriety. They have to dress a certain way, make pleasantries in conversations, eat what is placed in front of them (even if it is goats’ eyes). Otherwise, they risk offending the host and costing their company a billion-dollar contract.

Regardless whether it is formal or informal habit eating, people sit around with the company of friends, family,  co-workers, or strangers; requiring them to eat and act politely. In either setting, it is not couth for one to reveal his or her inner glutton, which is really wanting to break free from the chains of social etiquette.

Take for example, the situation when it comes to the desired last of anything.

Placed in the socially awkward position of having to make a social etiquette decision, the habit eater demurely suggests, “Oh no, you take the last piece…”, only to watch in horror as the faux offer is accepted – triggering a rage response from your inner-gluttonous self, who chastises you for being so passive and dubs you a moron.

People in these situations act more fearful of societal condemnation than they do from the tongue lashing they receive from their inner glutton. They are fearful of being stigmatized as the taker-of-the-last-slice-of-pizza, after committing a breach in social etiquette worse than walking around with toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe.

Offering up the last piece of anything comes with risks. Social norms pressures people to project a politer version of themselves. In reality, the inner gluttonous self is wanting to body-check any potential suitors up against the wall like a hockey player, grab the last piece of pizza – and not so much eat it, but gulp it down their throat.

We’ve all been there. It’s hard to control the face muscles from revealing the inner disappointment one is feeling for having lost out on that last donut, cup of coffee, or the last few deliciously cheesy tater-tots.

In this formal/informal situation, lies the beast. An eating category of all its own, the one I call, Man Eating.

I write now to no particular gender, though my reference is masculine. I appreciate there are women out there who love nothing more than to grab a steak off a plate, bare handed, then rip the meat off the bone, akin to any zombie in a George Romero movie. I haven’t met one of these female man eaters, at least that I know of, as ours is a secretive society. For all intents and purposes, man eating is not necessarily about men eating. It is more about a form of eating whose time in the public spotlight has come and gone. Some 12,000 years past, evolution from the utensil-less caveman has sent man eaters into hiding.

What exactly is man eating? Is it just a synonym for caveman eating?

NO! Don’t ever confuse man eating with caveman eating again. You insult either, by referring to the other, as the one of the same.

Cavemen can be man eaters but their time has come and gone. Man eaters are not cavemen but have cavemen tendencies. There is one distinguishing feature: man eaters stand over their food; they do not sit or squat to eat. They hover, like a bird of prey circling above. Caveman was the bomb back in the day. He was accepted. Man eaters are shunned, they exist as a secret society – not unlike the Freemasons. Perhaps, a better analogy are Vampires, who have to drink blood secretively least they are awakened by a spike being pierced through their hearts. Man eaters don’t have to fear sharp objects stuck into them, only sharp pains from indigestion. Nevertheless, we are a species unwelcomed in society and frowned upon in any household.

Are man eaters just another way to say sloppy eaters, or “pigs”?

NO! You insult pigs with your associations. Pigs are institutionally-fed. Man eating is the opposite of institutional eating; it is eating for pleasure. Pigs do not eat for pleasure, they eat out of habit, or to survive. Man eating is not habit eating. Man eating is waking up thirsty at 2:30 in the morning for a glass of water, then scarfing down a leftover hamburger (or two) before going back to bed. 

Is man eating, really just gluttony, one of the 7 deadly sins?

Yes! Now you get it. Man eating is exactly that! Man eating is eating with passion x10. It is the show Man vs. Food. It is Skinny Elvis, who ate cottage cheese on lettuce vs. Fat Elvis who devoured peanut butter and banana sandwiches, FRIED! Skinny Elvis was a habit eater. Fat Elvis, was a Man Eater!

As for me (like the rest of my man eating brethren), I am both a habit eater and a part-time man eater. My preference is to be the latter, but I am confined by society’s rigid eating-behavior codes, poor body image, a lifelong fight with the fat gene, and God’s legal decree that gluttony of any life pleasure is a sin. I bemoan not being able to eat what or how much I really want on any given day. My beloved foods are something I have to restrict, lest I pay the price of an irregular diet.

I loathe that word, diet. It is more of a curse word, or a word to be cursed at. I treat the word as Count Dracula treats a silver cross flashed in front of his face. I hate dieting. I hate being restricted by genetics where I gain 5lbs of body fat just by walking past Dairy Queen. I want to be one of those guys on the internet who God afforded the genetic ability to consume 50 tacos in a ten-minute span, and not gain an ounce of weight. Life is cruel like that. It does not allow you to alter your own genetic makeup; forcing you to live with the genetic code you never asked for.

For me, eating is not a simple necessity, it is almost a ritual. It is the one true passion that wakes me up everyday and says, you have to! I have to? You have to! Not only do you have to, you have to, 3 – 4 times a day. I’ve got no problem with that, I love eating! Eating is one of the pleasures in life that breaks up the tedious day-to-day grind. Even when there is nothing really to look forward to on any given day, you can look forward to eating. There is only one thing I love more than eating and that is…. man eating – the category that stands on its own. 

Man eating is frowned upon by society. But I tell you this in all earnesty – given the green-light by God and His altering of genetics that would allow me to consume mass quantities of food without gaining fat, I would spend half my life as a man eater. I would drive from restaurant to restaurant, as if it were my job – not unlike Man vs. Food, consuming food and beverages in a variety of euphoric indulgences that only food can give.

In my next episode, I will share with you my man eating recipes.

Written by T.K.

Chief Editor: Jade L.

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