Man Eating Recipe #1 – Man Cakes

MAN CAKES RECIPE

As a follow-up to my story Man Eating I introduce recipes that will satisfy the inner man-eater in you, regardless of your gender. You might be asking yourself, are Man Cakes really just a very large stack of pancakes? No! Man cakes are indeed cousins to the famous pancake, but we have a much more stringent code of over-indulgence. And by the way, I can appreciate anyone’s  skepticism in thinking that your own pancake recipe rules. I don’t neglect that. I simply offer an alternative, not a replacement to whatever variation of the pancake family you indulge in.

Post-Indulgence Suggestions:

Don’t worry about cleaning up the dishes. Pile everything into the sink without bemoaning “having to do friggin’ dishes” later. In the next edition of Man Eating, I will not only show you how to take your average peanut butter sandwich and turn it into a Top 5 Man-Eaters menu item, I will also share my secrets to making any household chore virtually a pain-free experience.

Without further adieu, inclosed is my recipe for Man Cakes. Tweak as you like. 

Man Cakes

Ingredients:

• Pre-mixed pancake batter (cheap is fine)
• Whole milk
• Real butter
• Cane sugar
• Powder sugar
• Cinnamon sugar (optional)
• 1 box of Pop-Tarts (any flavor you like)
• Syrup (optional)
• Whipped cream (optional)

Cooking Instructions: *measurements will vary depending how much your gut can hold

1. Pour regular pancake mix into a bowl. Use the cheap stuff, it doesn’t matter. You won’t even taste the batter. Blend in whole milk or heavy whipped cream w/ whole milk as needed.
2. Add one or two cups of cane sugar.
3. Melt a cup of butter and pour into the mix.
4. Tear 2-3 of your favorite Pop-Tarts into small pieces; add to the batter.
5. Pour ¼ cup of the batter onto the griddle, cook each side until it can easily be flipped

**Don’t worry about slightly burning them, you won’t taste the burn.

I suggest cooking 1 foot in diameter cakes – but ultimately, size doesn’t matter as long as you are satisfied – (pun very much intended) (:

Photo by Brigitte Tohm on Unsplash

 Eating Instructions:

1. Cover the cakes with a good dose of melted butter.
2. Sprinkle cane or cinnamon sugar all over the cakes.
3. Heavily dust your cakes with powdered sugar.
4. Top the cakes with 2-3 (salad bowl) spoonfuls of fresh whipped cream.
5. Drown in a syrup of your choice. (optional)

**3-4 oven-baked sugar cookies work well as an edible decoration around the cake (optional). For the health-conscious, you can add fruit; the canned-in-a-heavy-syrup variety.

**Standing is the ideal feasting position recommended by man-eating guidelines per The Association of Man Eaters (A.M.E.).

Good eating!

P.S. – As you lay on the couch weeping because your gut is about to explode, while bemoaning the reality that in one seating, you consumed up to 200+ grams of fat and up to 7000 calories (which you will have to figure out a way to burn off)… find comfort in knowing that Michael Phelps reportedly consumed up to 10,000 calories a day in preparation for the Olympics… oh, that’s right, you’re not Michael Phelps.

Factious Disclaimer:

Man eating recipes should only be attempted after consulting with your doctor to see whether or not your heart can take the depth of pure joy that comes from eating whatever the hell you feel like, whenever the hell you feel like, & however the hell you feel like.

Real Disclaimer:

Man Eating is not to be confused with Man vs. Food… although technically, it is exactly the same thing but with original recipes created by me.

Written by T.K.

Chief Editor: Jade L.

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