Missed Opportunity

Enclosed is a real email I received from the Papa John’s Pizza chain. The email was in response to an order I had placed. It was the first time I had ordered pizza from them since I don’t know how long, so I’m not exactly a “regular” customer.

 Hello Mr. X,

 We noticed that you have not taken the opportunity to give us feedback regarding your recent experience with Papa John’s. Your feedback is extremely valuable to us, as we continually strive to deliver a better experience to all our customers.

 Take the accessibility friendly version of the survey.

 How likely are you to recommend Papa John’s to a friend or family member?

 Not at all Likely                                                             Extremely Likely

1          2          3          4          5          6          7          8          9          10

 Your feedback is important to us, and we look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for being a Papa John’s customer!

 Sincerely,

 Jim N.

Chief Operating Officer, North America.

Let me dissect this correspondence from Papa Johns because the absurdity in this mail may not dawn on  you.

 What might you ask, is wrong? 

 Fact #1 – They noticed? 

 So, I’m being noticed by my Government, and by my pizza company too? I always thought Big Brother had the monopoly on noticing.

 Look man, one or the other, not both. My paranoia can’t handle that much pressure.

 Where once my paranoia would make me ask…

 “Those lights in my rear view mirror, is that the CIA or the FBI following me?”

 …. has now become…

 “Those lights in my rear view mirror, is that the CIA,  FBI, or Papa Johns following me?” 

 Fact #2 – They gave me an opportunity, and I did not take it.

 I didn’t even realize I had an opportunity. My pizza delivery guy said nothing. He could have at least given me a heads up….

 “Oh hey man, by the way… you have an opportunity after you eat your pizza!”

 “Thanks dude!”

 Papa John’s must have felt like Victor Corleone from The Godfather when they first got the news that I hadn’t filled out their survey.

Paramount Pictures

“Don Corleone, we delivered the opportunity – he did not take it.”

“You tell that S.O.B., he better take the opportunity or he’ll be wearing cement boots.”

Fact #3 –  Apparently, I had an “experience”.

First of all, I didn’t know ordering a pizza with Papa John’s was going to be labeled as an experience. I would have put the brakes on things right then and there, had I known they wanted marriage after the first date… Whoa, whoa – slow down! I’m just ordering a pizza man. Let’s not get carried away. 

Having an experience is finding a severed finger in one of their pizza pies. I didn’t have that. I just ordered a pizza.

Fact #4 – My feedback is extremely valuable?

Notice it is redundant in expressing to me how important my feedback is. I guess without it, the whole system is coming to a screeching halt! Envision, a wall in the Papa John’s war room with pinned photographs of X’d-out customers who ordered pizzas and took the opportunity, next to non-X’d-out customers (like me), who did not take the opportunity and are now TARGETED!

Fact #5 – “TAKE the accessibility friendly version of the survey.”

Notice how they don’t say “Please take the survey”? They say “TAKE (it!)” …almost like insinuating “or else!” I’m being bullied by my pizza company. I’m going to have to enter the witness protection program over a pizza order?

Fact #6 – The Chief Operating Officer got involved.

The email was signed off… not by a regional manager, or a store manager… it was signed off by the Chief Operating Officer, IN NORTH AMERICA!

My disobedience as a customer, reached all the way to the Chief Operating Officer? Daaaaaamn! Talk about bringing down the heat! What’s next, a call from the CEO?

 Here is my response to Papa John’s…

 Dear Jim, (may I call you Jim?)

I recently received your email regarding my so-called “experience” with Papa John’s and the subsequent missed “opportunity” that preceded it. Jim, I got to be honest with you – there was no experience between us. I simply ordered a pizza, it was delivered to me, and I ate the pizza. That to me, does not fall under the category of having an experience.

When I think of having an experience, I think of the time when I opened my front door to see a sealed bag from Panera Bread at my doorstep, which I did not order. Curious, I looked at the stapled receipt; which had the right address, but the wrong customer name. i.e. not mine. I called Panera and after I explained the situation, they told me they would refund my order. I explained to them for the 3rd time, that I never placed an order to begin with, that they dropped off food at the wrong location, and to please locate the right customer. They told me to call back in a couple of minutes as if I had nothing better to do. Calling back, a different person answered the phone and I had to explain the situation all over again. That person then also told me he would refund my order(?). At this point, my blood started to boil. I wondered if I was on a prank T.V. show being “punked” and scanned around for hidden cameras. I proceeded to tell the man, I did not order anything and they needed to rectify the situation. He said he would look into it and told me to call back in a couple of minutes. I said “No! You call me back!” He said okay. 10 minutes later, I got no call back. I had to call them back! He said they located the person in question, but he no longer desired the food, and that I am welcome to have it – CLICK! Shaking my head in disbelief, I opened up the bag to find; side bread – stale, tomato soup, and a sandwich I had no interest in. I was not left with a good impression about this particular Panera location; its food or customer service.

That, Jim, was an experience. Please do me a favor – in the future, if I ever have an experience, let me get back to you. I really don’t think my feedback is so extremely important, as indicated in the letter. I’m certain Papa John’s will live to see another day without my input. So, let’s keep our relationship like it was: I hand over money, and you give me the product – no questions asked. Thanks, I would appreciate it. 

 Signed,

 Mr. X

 … You can’t make this stuff up. This world is nuts! Corporations feast on souls like a pack of feral dogs loose in Central Park, sniffing out their next meal. The propaganda machine is a beast that needs to be put back in its cage. Master that, and you are well on your way to contentment.

Written by T.K.

Chief Editor: Jade L.

Share This Article