My Judgement Day

Strange as my life has been, it has gotten stranger. I have recently died and now sit in the grand lobby of the afterlife waiting to see God. I am not nervous. As a matter of fact, I am eerily calm. For all the dumb shit I did in my life I should be nervous; everything is on the line. I may be granted entrance into Heaven per God’s grace, or I may be condemned to eternal hell – flippin’ burgers 24-7 in Hell’s Kitchen, with no union breaks.

As I contemplate my fate, my thoughts turn to what must have been going through Job’s mind when he decided to confront God. One time, when working at a restaurant, I got into a discussion with a fellow worker. As we debated the merit of Job’s position challenging God on the suffering in life as it pertains to a loving deity, I pronounced Job’s name “JOH-b”, as in the work type of “job”, as opposed to…aw  hell, I don’t even know how you can spell Job to make it sound like “JOE-b”.

Anyway, my co-worker, who was more in-tune with the Bible, quickly enlightened me to the correct pronunciation, which sparked a new debate on English linguistics. Regardless of the outcome of that side debate, on that day I learned that when it comes to names, the Bible throws grammar out the window.

As the story goes, Jo(e)b decides to confront God about messed up things in life, such as famine; which contradicts the premise of God being a loving deity. And God’s response to Job? Was it understanding? Empathetic? A nurturing, rational explanation? Nope! God ripped Job a new one; essentially telling him to G.F.H.

A wry smile comes over my face as I imagine a scenario where Job works in an office and two of his co-workers stand around the office cooler talking about that situation.

Office Guy 1 – Hey man, have you seen Job? He looks down.

Office Guy 2 – Yeah, not good man! Not good at all!

Office Guy 1 – Oh! Do tell! What gives?

Office Guy 2– (leans in) Just between you and me, Job got called in to see the Big Guy. Apparently, he was talking smack about his management style.

Office Guy 1 – What!? Holy shit! Are you kidding? What happened?

Office Guy 2 – The Big Guy was pissed! He ripped Job a new one! Told Job to go “f*** himself!

(Both employees cover their mouths to contain their chuckles)

Office Guy 1 – Omg! What the hell was Job thinking?

Office Guy 2 – I  know? The guy’s f***ing crazy man!

Office Guy 1 – Either that, or his wife put him up to it!

Office Guy 2 – That’s sexist dude!

Office Guy 1 – No it’s not, I stole that line from my wife..

(Both start laughing again).

Enter Job turning the corner down the hallway.

Office Guy 1 – Oh, here he comes! Change the subject. Hey Bob, did you see the game last night? The Packers looked good!

Job walks up, solemn-looking.

Office Guy 2 – (turns to Job as he is passing by) Oh Hey Job, how goes it?

Job stops dead in his tracks, doesn’t look at either one, like a robot, he just stares straight ahead expressionless.

Job – I’m f***ed!

Before I can continue to bask in my own imagination, the door to God’s chamber opens, and out walks…

David Bowie!? Major Tom himself!

I feel shock and inspiration at the same time. I know his music well back from Planet Earth. Even though I’ve never met him, I feel a sense of kinship and as he walks past, I give him a shout-out of genuine affection, “Major Tom! What’s up?”

Bowie doesn’t feel the same sense of camaraderie. He grabs me by my shirt collar, and cocks back his fist to punch me. But before he can launch, luckily for me, he is restrained by two bodyguards. Bowie is led out of the lobby spewing profanities that would make a sailor blush. Bemused, I turn towards God’s secretary, and ask him “What the hell was that all about? I love Major Tom!”

He shrugs and says, “I don’t know. Maybe God didn’t like his new album.”

I shrug back, stand up and follow him into God’s chamber. For the very first time, I lay eyes on the Almighty. He is sitting behind a large mahogany office desk – which like a judge’s chair, is somewhat raised, causing me to look up to Him. It’s classic Psychology 101: make a person see themselves as smaller than who they are standing before.

The surprises for the day continue. God looks exactly like the actor Charlton Heston, playing the role of Moses in the movie “The Ten Commandments.” He has wavy brown hair with silver streaks, a firm set jaw, and the bluest eyes I have ever seen in my life. Standing there,  it becomes awkward for a few seconds as God says nothing. He just stares at me expressionless. Like a poker player who is holding a royal flush to my pair of deuces, God has the upper hand; but I am still optimistic.

God finally breaks the silence but not with the pleasantries I was hoping for.

“I am God. This is your Judgement Day!”

“Hi God!”

God nods his head in acknowledgment.

“First the good. You have a higher-than-average good soul. You have done good things in your lifetime; I’ll give you that….many positives on your life resume.”

‘Now the bad.”

That was a rather quick assessment of the good I tried to be my whole life. I thought to myself.

As if he read my mind, God doesn’t miss a beat. He just leans forward and repeats:

“Now the bad.”

“You have a side to you that has a tendency to stray from… how should I put it, righteousness. You are a sinner. Albeit a petty one. I can deal with your minor transgressions and wanderings… and look past some of the more childish things you did. But there are things I am not inclined to forget so easily. I have a hard time accepting your lack of faith in me when things got tough in life. More specifically, on more than one occasion you unleashed obscenities my way as if I didn’t exist. The one question I have for you is, did you  think I was not paying attention to your tirades? Did you really think you could spew your objections my way and not have to face any consequences for your disrespect?

I hold up two fingers to God for having asked two questions, not one, but he didn’t acknowledge my attempt to correct his math.

God pauses while in thought tapping his finger on his lips…

“Now, I admit that sending you to damnation might be a tad cruel for the nature of your sin. However, (God looks at me with a raised eyebrow) perhaps some time with those losers in hell is exactly what you need in order to learn some manners. “

“What do you say in your own defense, Mister?”

“What do I say? What do I say!”

“I say back Hell up a second God… let me tell you how it was …”

(Fade in rap beat) …

“I loved life with all my heart

but so many days my heart – was ripped apart (back up rappers chip in)

 A world so beautiful yet so damn inhumane

It was like living in a bad dream, trying hard –not to go insane.

 Every day I woke up and you where nowhere to be found,

Day after day I searched, I was – like a Human Bloodhound

 Always chasing parked cars, or barking up the wrong trees

Life was dark, I was blind, it was hard to see

 I stand before You now and You call me a sinner

When all I ever wanted was true love, and direction on how to be a winner

 You say God I lost faith – that I didn’t deeply believe

But let me ask you in return, do you truly understand what you conceived?

 God if you walk a mile in this one man’s shoes

Surely you must know, I paid my f***ing dues!”

• End rap beat –

Now out of my way, Sucka! I’m going in. I earned it.

…cut to me screaming as I am freefalling towards hell😊

Written by: T.K.

Chief Editor: Jade L

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